Writing

So I haven't written in quite a while (or deleted my posts ;-)). The reason for that was because I usually tend to write when I'm depressed. And when you are depressed usually only negative things come out of your mouth ;-) As I wrote in the previous post, a couple of things influenced me in such a way that I felt like life wasn't really worth living. Which is a bit ridiculous, because I have everything going for me. But it's this feeling I have always had.. A depression of the soul hehe.. a feeling of being old, a certain sadness, looking for something you cannot find.
And this feeling makes me leave people behind, even when I don't really know why.
And I was in pain for the people around me.. Them being hurt, me hurting them, they hurting me. And I didn't even realise I was standing still. I had been standing still for over a year. After I stepped out of my relationship, not knowing really why, but not being able to be caught between two people (and mostly being trapped in my own whirlpool of feelings), I just stopped. I shut myself down completely. Only recently, when things were getting worse, Lauran getting cancer, Lalo loosing his baby, no hope for making things work again and I was feeling so so low. I stayed home for two days wondering how long it would take for people to notice if I would be gone. That made me realise I should start living again. Trying to think of what I really want to do in life. And yet there never seems to be the time to think about these things.
Untill one evening you are walking to the train and someone asks you, so what do you want out of life, what are your goals, your future plans..? And you go like guhhhhhhh. Feeling just like crying cause just a month ago you felt like not being there at all anymore, so you don't know how to answer this question, cause the answer is that you don't have any plans, goals, ideas.
If I could choose anything, I would be out there, helping people, do something useful, stopping wars, saving the environment, making people smile, stopping discrimination and intolerance. Instead I'm gathering useful information on the brain. I really love doing that. But does it really help? Don't we need some more dramatic changes these days, instead of a very very slow progress? Don't we need people to look for environmental friendly ways of generating energy? Don't we people to locate mines and remove them? Don't we need people educating where it is most needed? Then what are we still doing in our tiny little worlds, thinking about our tiny little problems. Hoping for Obama to be the new president of the US, is that really gonna solve all the problems? One step at a time right? So why are we not stepping? Why am I not stepping?

Ghe :-) It's time to move, to change, to make plans.. Slowly though.. slowly.. ;-)