loss
You know, last post I was writing about losing people, and then you lose someone, or passes away, like my grandfather. My photography teacher wrote me: I'm so sorry for you, it's hard, even though it is expected, but in a way I didn't really expect it. We ofcourse knew that he was at the end of his strength, but I somehow still had hope and believe that he would be saved. I didn't expect that someone could die from not eating. It seems so... trivial. I thought that someone would have done something to make him better, not to just examine him and send him home. Is a life less worth when you are at the end of it? Why didn't anyone do anything? Feed him every day, put food trough a tube.. Should I have done something? Why didn't I? Was this just it?
I mean, ofcourse the care of my grandmother and coping with her dementia, it's unbelievable how he managed and loved her, and wanted to keep her with him. And all the things I never knew about him and my grandmother and their lives. And all these things you want to know but never you decide to go by and ask about this untill it is too late. When I was in Pisa he wrote me this incredible letter to give me strenght and hope and to make the missing of my love less. He wrote how he and my grandmother (they were engaged then I think) were seperated in the war, how my grandmother was imprisoned because she was a courier, how Eindhoven (where he was) was bombed, how the letters they wrote each other during the war were only delivered áfter the war. All the things they went trough.. It makes the things you are going trough seem like nothing if you think of this..
Why is dying so hard? And how can you decide to stop living? And not regret it?
When my (other) grandmother died I was there next to her, and in a way it was good, because she was at the end of her life, but still at the last moment she fought. And I miss her, even though I didn't know her very well either, I could feel that we are very alike. And my grandfather now died in his sleep, with his children close to him. But the days before, when he decided to stop, it must have been so hard for my mum. And to see her and my grandma at the funeral, I cannot grasp what it must be like to lose a parent or partner and I hope it will still be a very long time before I will have to know.
These changes of life are too hard..
posted by Xiricou @ 1/10/2007 11:07:00 pm
3 comments
3 Comments:
You might want to consider that your grandfather lived his life, most likely did most, if not all, things he wanted to, and passed away a happy man with his family around him.
I wouldnt want it any other way!
I would therefore argue that these changes aren't a bad thing. They're inevitable, there's no way you're going to stop them from showing up on your doorstep, and I'm pretty certain you braced yourself for this event to happen. Everybody had their chance to say goodbye, and now your mother and the rest of their family can move on with their lives (from my own experience, I'm pretty sure that the situation wore your mother out). Again, your grandfather has had a wonderful life - think about all the great memories of you and him together instead of focusing on your loss.
Mmm thanks for daring to reply :) This post was not so muchfor everyone else, as just for me, to let it out.
And I didn't mean that my loss was so great. It just meant that I regreted for not really knowing him, and was contemplating why people always make dying sound so "nice and easy" when you are old, when it is in fact not like that at all. Like you are saying: "did all the things he wanted to, passed away a happy man", I don't think that is/was true at all.. Ofcourse these things are inevitable, and you should accept it, but saying that it was all so great, mwah, I don't think so..
(and again this is not all such a problem for me, I am just worried about my mother and grandmother)
*big hug ready has, in case u wants it*
Thought on it:
The death of parents is inevitable, and i never understood why all these 'old' people were so devastated when their parents died, like a teacher of mine, older even then my parents, whose mother died, which made him completely depressed for weeks. I didn't understand, he was a grown-up, he was supposed to cope with it! Only now I am beginning to figure that grown-ups have the same hard time coping with changes, they do not understand or accept, they cannot cope better with loss, they cannot grasp it. Loss cannot be grasped, there are different kinds of dealing with it, but everyone hurts the same way when confronted with it. Pretty scary...
Nother thought:
Since I haven't experienced many losses myself, it may not be fair to say, but when someone in some way familiar dies (the most recent loss being my godmother) I always wish I did something more, I put more effort in getting to know them, or in some way making their death easier.....
I suppose this just comes with loss, a feeling that something more could have been done, because you will never have the chance to make up for it.
Well. So much for heavy stuff. Big hugs for your family too.
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